Come to my office. I met him there. Mr. Sparkly Eyes: Why do you sound like that? The ultra sound tech could not get over her long, long legs. I had the talk with Stacy and Fernanda this week. I am so tired of this life without you. I listened to him like I always do. I still think this baby is going to die, so therefore I am trying not to get too attached to it yet. I have tried to be as productive as possible. We worked SO hard for those signatures and I know all of our supporters did, too. I know he will keep her safe. Its like Im just now getting the memo, Hi, youre pregnant! No wonder I have been feeling like crap lately. This is also just me, grabbing on to anything and everything I can, to still get to be your mama and parent you, Ronan. Im not doing this to be hurtful or mean. I was like a wild animal out of control. You know how I am about just letting things, happen when they are supposed to. Our Fairy RoMo. We talked about a lot of stuff. I came home and fell into a deep sleep. Its the Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes. A lot of you, ask that in my comments. Today, I didnt see anything I liked and I just wanted to rip everything off of the racks. She is doing amazing things with it. Its just too perfect., Your daddy a.k.a. I ran the lake as fast as I could with an injured knee from my previous running that I have been doing. Not to mention the fact that he is deliciously handsome, insanely talented, and I could just stop and melt right here. It felt good to be out and about, doing something a little out of my comfort zone. Not right now, but someday you wont be this sad., Me: Im so sad all the time. I cannot believe a mannequin is wearing my dead childs costume. Happy and fancy. After about the second day of being extremely sick, I started to come about and realized my surroundings again. on I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. I dont want to talk to much about it because I dont want to jinx myself. I fall asleep easily much of the time, only to wake up like clock work around the time you passed away. I honestly do. A world of shiny, happy people. They both asked if I was sure. Today was one of those days where I just could not stop crying. Come on, just try for me., Not even him begging for a smile could make one appear today. I love you, my little seal. I cannot take the things down from your room, only to fill them with something new. I am so glad I finally got to meet her. If it would have shown up as something bigger and abnormal, they would have seen it and told me. Your daddy keeps reminding me how much you wanted a brother or sister. Star became known to a wider audience as contestant on the CBS reality TV show Rock Star: Supernova in 2006. Consider it done. he said. I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. I was hoping she wasnt thinking, Who is this crazed stalker with purple hair?? I wonder if this will ever get easier. She has a son that she is absolutely insanely in love with and she completely gets the bond that I have with you. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. It was a great night, to say the least. Ronan will be a part of both of their names, regardless of the sex of the baby. Mostly my day was filled with my tears that seemed never-ending. I went up to the mom. I think it would have gotten the Ronan seal of approval. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here. It doesnt work. Everything seems to be suffocating me. How am I supposed to get through that one? No. At least that is the vibe I got. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. Happiest Birthday ever to our Fairy RoMo. I hope you are safe. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. I have yet to find a good book about what it is like to have a baby, after going through something as traumatic as losing a child to cancer. Im up out of my sickness coma. You are alone. You know that speaks volumes in my book. Oh, and I saw Dr. Eshun again today. It has nothing to do with science. I know this but sometimes I like to close my eyes and just pretend. I dont get to scold you when you are being naughty The only way I can get to you, is through these things that I am so desperately trying to do. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. It actually felt good. You have nothing to be sorry for.. She told me had you had this at birth, it would have been so microscopic that nothing would have shown up. My days are so consumed with trying to be the best mama to your brothers and sister. I dont know if this made me feel better, but I appreciated her taking the time to talk about the questions I have. If good days existed in my life anymore, today would have been one of them. I left her office, feeling tired and sad. I cant though. Your day of death. A big city is not where we need to be right now. Im used to being the energizer bunny. I was going through some emails. That oh so fun place only moms get to go that have had a child who has died. I miss you. I'm landing close to midnight. Running on the beach. This means no computer time, only a little time is spent posting the never ending cute little Poppy pics on Instagram as my way of trying to keep up with all of your lovies out there. I am going to take the day that you left me and rename it and make it the name that it deserves. When do you leave for New York? There is no better place, then here with me. They are at practice now. Ron Starr - Wikipedia I just miss Ronan so much, all the time, thats all. He knows that. Ronan really wanted a girl. Today, was a really happy day full of never-ending tears. That means everything to me. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. So good. I hurt badly from this and I only get to feel this on a small scale compared to you. Oh, that would just be because Ive been crying all day. Why so much today? All of this is way much for one person to handle. maya thompson - Page 2 - ROCKSTAR RONAN The most important thing of course that has been consuming me. I am still trying to absorb this all. Why would I want to break it anymore? Our girl name was picked out even before Liam and Quinn were born. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it makes me smile, it always makes me miss you with everything that I am. I love you. This is the girl, who ran a marathon, without training for it, just because. Just when I have been struggling on a little side project the past few days. Shes had it for a while. We WILL get to the White House to make them fight harder for our kids who are dealing with cancer. She asked if I remembered your service and how difficult it was. There were sooooo many happy people, everywhere. Maybe, but its the only way I feel like I can survive. You have to carry this around with you forever, while the ones who cared about Ronan, your family, your friends, get to go on with their lives. Everyday, she is surviving Ronan. Then, the very itty bitty baby contractions started. We have had those picked out for a long time. Maya! To me, the littlest things can sometimes seem like the most difficult. Ill admit it. That I needed to see him today. Mascara and snot everywhere. 4 boys but there should have been 6. It was weird and creepy and I was so sad when this morning when I didnt have you to tell my story to. Liam and Quinn have a basketball game. Realness. Nothing is worth this pain. I left there, feeling like my heart was going to explode from the pain of missing you. I let my body break down like it has been wanting to do. But if I would have said something, it would have been something like this: Im not a doctor. Ronan. The thought of that, put a smile on my face. Throw in a traumatic death of a child on top of it and its a freaking party now! New York was a good trip. Just the usual. It seems to completely throw them all off. So we would be doing all different things. Taylor Swift - ROCKSTAR RONAN Nothing will. . Ive got to go now, Ro. I just made a choice to get back up and live the only way I know how to live now by fighting for you and all you were robbed of. We left our friends and headed off to our new destination. Every year since you left when Mr. Sparkly Eyes' birthday rolls around, I always give him a card that I've made for him through my iPhoto with a picture of you on it. I still get mad a lot but I find that I am not as reactive with my anger. You have a baby on the way. I just keep telling myself, Ive got to just get though this part, but its not like I have anything to look forward to next as I will just be writing about your death. I let it continue to play. Grief, reality, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, were all there waiting for me. No trace of black oblivion coma, existed. I dont remember the last time Ive written to you and I dont like that. Where are you? He responded with In a meeting. You with a baby girl. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. Becca. I had forgotten about that story that happened while Woody and I were in a Nordstrom Rack in San Diego. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. We shared some fruit and nuts. Especially when it involves you, which it always does. Carrying your little red sand bucket. I had a flashback to the days of when I used to ohhhh and awwww over baby girl clothes. I love you. You were the best thing thats ever been mine. Ro baby. Healthy and living and there should be nothing to complain about, ever. This is the part where all you lovelies chime in on how brave I am. We sat, just the 4 of us and I tried to let myself relax and enjoy our dinner. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. I remember the sight of that, made me so happy, that I snapped a picture of it. That is actually a big fat lie. Its late now. We shall see if I succeed this year. This is the girl who went skydiving, just because. Im so sorry for all you had to go through. It brought life, hope, color and reassurance to those still fighting. I ended the day with Stacy at Fernandas house. I need to find a hobby during my witching hours. Liam of course tried to tell me it was just another cat. Lights out for the next 7 hours. on Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. Happy Birthday pic for our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Again, but not always. The problem Im facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say. I am floored. But I think about my friends daughter, and the fact that at her age, she knew what was happening. I was so thankful to get out of the city. What if I totally freak out and lose it? It took me a minute to explain all of this to them, but by the end they were both a little teary eyed and said they agreed with me and understood why. I am forever so very sorry I couldnt fix you. Turns out, they are not. Nowhere else. I know we can change this. Kass. Come on. For you, Ro and Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. Miss you. - ROCKSTAR RONAN Ill check in with you later. Can you believe that shit?! Thats all for now little man. How this was such an awful reason to have to run. Thank you for keeping his mama going by showing me how much the power of love can move mountains. I dont understand this. Ronan. These kids, deserve to be recognized, not swept under the carpet. He knows that too. He said he knew it. Only one other living thing survived and that was the poppy, flowering each year with the coming of the warm weather. I had a long board meeting last night. He just is who he is. Finally, late last night, I started to feel better. There is a missing layer to all of this and it is only something that Dr. Badass JoRo can deliver. I miss being on the go 24/7. I think so, but to know so, Id have to go back and read my blogs from the past years. The song finished. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that dont make sense. Gosh, how I loved to embrace your little spicy rebellious ways. The thought of this made me laugh due to Dr. Jo. Especially not in this day and age when kids die from cancer, due to lack of funding alone. Sweet dreams. I hid my tears from everyone, as not to upset your brothers. I was having a really, really sad day but didnt want to let him in on that. I swear I stare at it all day long. I know the tears that will fill my eyes that I will have to fight back. I wanted you so badly, to be in the kitchen cooking with me, like we used to do. I sat in my bed for a couple of days and pondered life and death. Mama! We sat for a while longer and caught up. Ive noticed myself starting to have a really hard lately. Maybe Poppy will even make an appearance;). I left the restaurant with Liam. I used to love my meat, but now I think I know how she feels. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. She told me she would send me back to get more in depth ultrasounds whenever I wanted, she would find any excuse to send me. Not always is good enough for me, as of now. I am a natural born mother. Your brothers have a basketball game tomorrow. It is just all so wrong. I'm landing close to midnight. I have a lot of dreams. My days feel so sad and lonely without you here, and with me, being stuck at home because I am literally too tired to function. But on nights like last night, I dont have a choice. I came home from the Hamptons, as fast as I could, waited as patiently as I could to get to the hospital and plop a big fat kiss on that old mans forehead and look into his sparkly eyes. How stopping will make me want to run up my mountain 8 months pregnant and not come back down. It is so a sport you would have kicked ass at. She asked me if I would like to know. I love you, Ronan. Because I know you would want it to be this way. Its been a long and busy day. She grabbed my hand and said, I promise you, we are going to make your dream, a reality. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. Its o.k. It was no use. I am surviving, just like the Poppy flower. I think I will wear black all day long. Forever sorry. I should have been his, for much more than almost 4 years. Now if I can only get those brothers of yours on Team Poppy. That is important to our family. I miss you so much. I dont want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. I hung up and listened to your Sparkly and went back to sleep for the next 8 hours. Your brothers. maya thompson - Page 6 - ROCKSTAR RONAN I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. For those of you who have been trying to order some things on our Big Cartel site, I SO apologize. I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! I have been mentally visualizing myself walking into that hospital but then having to walk out with my dead childs costume. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. And I hurt for my friend who had to bury her child who was pretty much an adult. It makes me feel happy. Such amazing little boys they are. I miss you. I wish it didnt have to be this way, but this is the decision I have made. We think we have our boy name too. Im sad. Because it is simply not true. Really hard in the way that I felt not long after losing you. Then I went down that road. if everybody came back in the room with me. I had a super important phone call this week. I am such a true believer in this, especially in the world I live in now. Im alone and I have nobody to take care of me.. You are a writer, plain and simple. I would have chased you like the wind today. It just tells me, once again, what we are doing, is so right. 2 years without you and Im sitting here scratching my head saying how can that be? I think I will try not to die from the pain of physically feeling, with every cell in my body, that you are not here. It was nice to be among the living for a few hours. We simply wanted some fucking lightbulbs changed out for one day, to recognize this world that deserves better.
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